Dread the Thought
by SSJ-Alhazred
Summary: Last in a trilogy. Josh finds his solace from the most unlikley person... *mild slash*


Disc: I don't own Max Steel, I'm making no profit from this

Takes place after "Dread Your Eyes," second season-ish. References to slash, you know the drill.

Dread the Thought 

  
by Alhazred  
madarab20@hotmail.com 

The expanses beckon, the mystery still remains  
Are we living all alone in these vast domains?  
We search, we wonder, we listen and we peer  
The more we define the distance the more we fear  


The lights of the distant glories we cannot name  
Demanding a sense of purpose we cannot claim  
Where time has no meaning, our reason does not apply  
Only the word of Creator can satisfy  


Here we are in a world so far away  
Floating home, through the void we roam,  
And drift astray

We hang suspended, we rise and then we fall  
Just one of an endless array, this terrestrial ball  
But for one brief moment, this earth was the center stage  
For just on moment, the diamond of the age  


Here we are in a world so far away  
Floating home, through the void we roam,  
And drift astray

Here we are in a world so far away  
Floating home, through the void we roam,  
And still... still we pray

Away, we drift away...  
Please bring us home

---_One Dark World_ by Kerry Livgren

You know, sometimes Jo annoys me. She really does. But not that much, only when she's inconvenient, really. No, I like her. I'm not entirely sure it's a good thing that she, well, worships me, but my ego doesn't complain. There's a certain satisfaction you feel when your existence is a bright spot for someone else.

It wasn't one of those inconvenient times. I suppose I could be doing something productive instead, but then, maybe coaching Jo with her skateboarding _is_ productive. After all, she probably won't hurt herself as much afterward, especially when I'm not around to help her to her feet.

You know, I sound like a parent. I wonder what kind of people her parents _are _that they'd trust their little girl pulling extreme sports stunts with a guy twice her age? Or maybe she talks about me so much they think I'm a well-known celebrity or something. Heh heh, that's a funny thought.

It's strange being looked up to. You wonder how in God's name you ever got the status of 'role model' in the first place. I mean, really, what _did_ I do to deserve that? So I save the world on a daily basis. Okay, so I _try_ to save the world on a daily basis, but it's not like she _knows_ that. For all most people know, I'm just a burnt out athlete that couldn't take the heat. What's there to see in that?

And yet, here she is, my own personal number-1 fan. And here I am, teaching her how to 'board. It's kinda weird, I suppose, doing this, and wondering why she wouldn't rather be doing something else.

But she was a natural. And a fast learner, she went through the motions and did the stunt I'd just taught her almost flawlessly. She'd worried it was out of her league, I remember... it's amazing how much some self-confidence helps. She proudly exclaimed, "And I thought I wouldn't be able to pull that off!"

"See, like I told ya," I looked at her. "Don't fear."

Don't fear.

Don't fear.

Actually, I hadn't said that to her at all. It just came out, like the most natural thing, but I'd never said it before. I just remembered it from Dread, from that night. It was funny, I forced that little bit of memory down and avoided it, turned it into a haze, almost. But right there, it was all stuck in my head again, like it happened yesterday.

"You want to go through it again?" I asked. My mouth said the words, but my brain didn't really register any of it. Except that she gave me that patented little girl pout that meant I was insulting her

I thought I'd gotten over it, over _him_. I thought I could forget. I thought I _had_ forgotten. I was kidding myself, something fierce. It just all came back, right there. It wasn't like I didn't remember in the first place, I just told myself it didn't. But it was never clearer. It's really hard to learn things don't go away just because you don't think about them.

It's strange being looked up to. Someday, somewhere, without warning, you get scared to death that you're worse then just undeserving of the 'role model' title, you wonder if you might be a disease, something no one should touch on the chance you really _will_ rub off on them.

Don't fear.

Don't fear that you're a sick bastard with no right to be around children, maybe? That was one hell of a thought, you know. I always stopped myself from wondering... sleeping with Dread, did it make me... more like him?

I don't know.

Nothing's ever scared me more then that thought, that one idea that I'm like Dread. That maybe, just maybe, I had been all along in the first place. Why else would I have done that, after all? I sure can't think of any other reason.

Did _he_ know? Is that why he... wanted... maybe that's why he's always paid so much attention to me... maybe...

Oh God, I don't want to think about it.

Don't fear.

I try not to. Jo kinda helped with that for the moment, I was starting to zone out something fierce and she promptly kicked me in the shin.

"Ow!" I pouted. My sense of humor sounded kinda fake to me, truth be told.

"C'mon Josh, don't go spacey on me now!"

"Sorry," I said. "You gonna try it again?"

"Nah, I'll wait till tomorrow," she put her board down. "You okay?"

I hadn't expected that. "Of course."

"You sound kinda weird." She looked at me with that expression exclusive to little kids, you know? That one that just tells you instantly they know you're lying? "What's bugging ya, McGrath?"

"Oh, just some stuff on my mind, the usual," I told her, realizing somewhere that the harder I tried to sound normal, the more I was failing. I sounded like I was about to cry, but I think I was closer to having a nervous breakdown.

She raised an eyebrow and put her hands to her hips. "Bullshit," she said.

Now, I'll be damned if I didn't nearly lose my mind right there, I'll tell you what. "Jo!"

"Aww, lay off," she whined, looking at her feet. "I think I'm entitled to _one_ bad word a day at my age... as long as my parents don't hear it... or anyone that would _tell_ my parents..."

Of course, I couldn't very well tell her that I was more worried that she'd been picking up sick habits from _me _then her actual lapse of vocabulary. "Just... watch the language, you're a better person then that, and people should know it."

Did I just say that? She must've thought the same thing, because she gave me an even funnier look. But she said, "thanks Josh! Hey, you're not so bad yourself, you big lug."

I blinked at her. Then I kinda blinked at her some more. If she only knew, I thought.

But then again, maybe she _did_ know. Not the... slightly... X-rated details. Maybe normal people can see that dirt, you know, the kind that doesn't wash off. Laura probably _knew_ I'd done a lot more then kiss another woman when she told me to take a hike...

But I like to think she saw something good in me after all. It's a cheap cop-out, so sue me, but it feels better. It's a reminder that life goes on, something I have trouble remembering in the first place sometimes. I told Berto I think I can deal with it, and in the end, that's the only thing you need to remember to deal with almost _anything..._

Don't fear. I don't _need_ to fear. What could Dread do to me now from his cell? What could he do to me _ever?_ I _put_ him there, after all. I always managed to stop him... he could only the things I wanted... heh, yeah, I wanted it, but it doesn't scare me anymore when I think I'd still go through with it if I had everything to do over again. One-night stands are called "one-night" for a reason.

Besides, if Jo and Berto can believe in me, why can't I?

Don't fear.

It's sound advice.

~fin~

Special thanks: Everyone that gave me the SHOCKING amounts of feedback for this, Ellen Brand and Maxy Steel for... encouraging me to get this done faster 8P And Kumo, thanks for inspiring me to outdo your 'Trek reffing. I would've succeded to, if it wasn't for those pesky kids. And of course, let's all let my resident spellchecker Duo take a bow.

The ref list:

The line "don't fear" is from Star Trek: Nemesis. What, you expected that to change? 8P


End file.
